Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
Hello Everyone,
I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I hope everyone enjoyed their family and friends and for those who were celebrating without loved ones this year, my heart goes out to you. My love goes out to you all.
We had a wonderful Christmas. It was everything I could have hoped for. Ringing in the new year with my Jacob. The only thing I could have asked for was for my daddy to be there when the clock struck midnight. It was the saddest moment for all of us to turn to that couch where he ALWAYS used to sit and not have him there. It was the hardest moment out of all the holidays. I miss him dearly.
I am writing to you today because we had our MRI results. The one from November. The results were the same. Tumor is stable and Jacob is still considered their miracle child. To us, he is our life. The reason I get up every morning, just to hear to the words "good morning mama"...it never gets old. :)
The results were what we were hoping for, however...We got some other quite disturbing news. Now, to some of you it may not be a big deal, some may not see how significant this is, but its HUGE. It left me....speechless.
Our doctor, his head doctor who has been following us from the begining came in the room and said "I have news for you". She followed by telling us that the "study" that Jacob was on, the protocol that I felt was killing him slowly, the treatments that Jason and I so difficulty agonized over stopping was SHUTDOWN! It was shutdown due to toxicity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They stopped this protocol, they shutdown the program because it was TOO TOXIC. The same one that I took my son away from was slowly poisining him and going to kill him. I am to say the least, overwhelmed this evening. I am happy, I am sad, I have shed tears, I am angry. I am angry at all of it. I spoke with a friend this evening who didn't seem to make a big deal out of it. She just didn't get it, so i laughed it off and hung up the phone and cried and decided to just not tell anyone else my news. But as I write it now, i realize how huge this is. I suppose now if anything ever should happen, heaven forbid, Jason and I can be at peace with our decision. I had no regrets when I made the decision, I didn't have any before today either but there was always this little tiny tiny tiny part of me wondered what if....not anymore! I have to leave the past behind me now and move on and do exactly what I wanted to do which was live my life with Jacob and live every day like it is our last.
OMG! i still can't believe it. I don't have all the details and frankly I shouldn't want to but I am going to contact the doctor next week and ask for more details. All she said to me when she told me was "I guess you just knew". So that's my news. Sorry for the ones I almost gave a heart attack to. Its just huge.
Bottom line here, don't mess around with a mother's instinct!!!! lol Its the best power anyone could ever have.
Jacob is doing well. He has been having headaches for the last two days which we must now monitor but if no vomitting follows we should be fine...i am scared, i can't lie. everyday i am scared. Everyday I think what if I lost him but at the same time, everyday is a great day with Jacob by my side.
The rest of the family is well. Jason is back full force at work. Liam, well he is perfection. :) Liam and Jacob have a very special bond that would make your heart melt.
We have a very busy month ahead. So many appts, so many more decisions to make.
Wishing everyone well and a thank you to all those who read this. I needed to share.
