Thursday October 22nd, 2009
Two postings in two days...I guess I am making up for the lack of updates the last two months. lol
I had a need to sit and write to my most awesomest support group. I just came back from a little meeting with Jacobs teacher. I am sad. It really isn't that bad but my heart breaks right now and i can't stop crying. We were told by the teacher today that Jacob is struggling. Struggling and is not at the same level as the other chidren in his class. Although it was to be expected I was heartbroken to actually hear it. I am not sure how we went from a normal life with an above average child who exceeded in everything and was titled a genius to a boy who can barely zip up his coat without help. Its sad and for some reason as I sit here and watch the rain fall, it hit me again that - My child has cancer. My beautiful once upon a time healthy child, has cancer. OMG! its a slap in the face everytime i actually take the time to say it...those words, those horrible horrible words "My child has cancer". Wow, i can't stop saying it. I went from starting my day by sending Jacob to school and having a very nice coffee date with two great friends and now I am sitting here crying because my child needs help from other 6 year olds to zip up his coat. Its not fair. its just not fair. Today, i want to feel sorry for myself.
I am not taking anything away from Jacob. I think he is amazing to even be going to school right now and I admire him and respect him for his strenght and courage. The fact that we thought he wouldn't even be here with us today and he is in school as I write this is absolutely amazing to me...but i am angry. I am so angry. I just want to feel sorry for myself today. Just today, just right now. Tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Carpe Diem
Tuesday October 20th, 2009
Wow! it sure has been a long time. Thank you to everyone who kept asking for updates. I needed time. I have been and still am grieving. Its also been well...BUSY in our household. I gotta tell you, it sure didn't take long for us to fall back into the "old" routine that I so longed for the last ten months. A bit too much actually. Some days I have to give myself a good shake when the little things bother me and upset as I had vowed that those things would no longer bug me. But I suppose that this is as normal as our lives are going to get so I shouldn't complain.
We are doing well. This is a very good time but also sad time for me. Jacob is doing extremely well. He is a boy again, actually, a 6 year old boy. We just celebrated Jacob's birthday and had you asked us 6 months ago if we even thought he would be here to celebrate with us, the answer would be truthfully...no.
But he is going to school. I think he is doing very well as his teacher always tells me so but today I got a call from the school wanting to talk about Jacob's behaviour. Not sure what all this is really about but I am anxious. Whatever it is, i dont really care. This is more than we thought Jacob could ever do so if he needs a bit more time to adjust....so be it!
Times have been also sad. I am having a really hard time with my father's death. I knew it would be hard but wow....some moments I just want to fall apart in somebody's arms...anyone who is willing to catch me. Some days I feel so alone with my grief. Jacob is also, surprisingly, having a hard time with jidou being gone. I don't think he truly got it until we go visit my mom and jidou is not on the couch...he is really gone. He has had a number of very overwhelming breakdowns. Jason and I have helped him through them but I am just not sure what to do at this point. He has so many questions. I don't want to hide anything from him. I think we need to get him some help in perhaps understanding more what has happened.
I miss him so much, i feel empty. It almost makes it worse that Jacob is doing so well, I want him to be here to see it. I want him to be here to see Liam's smile that can light up an entire room. But he is not.
I have lost the little bit of faith I had the last ten months. I so want to believe he is with us. I so want to believe in heaven. I have created this heaven in my head. A place with no sadness. A place with no pain, heartbreaks or tears. I imagine my father having a glass of scotch and a smoke and that nothing can hurt him anymore. I imagine him sitting there, looking down on us but not with sadness that he is not here anymore, but watching us with a subtle smile. That is what I hope heaven is like. I so need to believe it. I went to the cemetery with Liam today. I talked to him outloud. It felt weird at first but I so wanted to believe he could hear me that I had an entire conversation with him. Liam and I spoke to him, sang to him and cried for him. I cried. I cried alot....it felt SO good to just cry with nobody around.
Its hard. But life goes on. Life must go on. I must take care of my family. My children, my husband, my sisters, my nieces and my mother. My poor mother who has lost a person that she shared 47 years with. She is not well. I worry. I am sad for her. These were suppose to be good times.
But I am so happy to be able to tell you all that Jacob is doing fantastic. It really is a miracle. We are still working on his vision. His hearing is damaged now and we must work with what we have. He is walking, running, eating. He is happy. I enjoy every single moment I have with him. I can just sit there and stare at him all day. He amazes me every day...wether it is something he does or says or simply getting out of bed in the morning....he amazes me. I love him. I love him from the bottom of my heart. I love my children and I wouldn't change a thing. Next week we have an appt. with the wish foundation. I think these organizations are amazing! I think we are going to Disney. I want to give Jacob the time of his life. I want him to live like there's no tomorrow. Jacob got a personal invitation last week to a senators hockey practice and a game. He had a blast!!!! Those are the moments we will cherish...forever.
We have another MRI coming up in a few weeks. Oye! i can't believe we have to go through this every three months for the next two years. Every single one of them will be harder than the next but we live for the moment. Carpe Diem! Seize the day.
Thank you so much everyone for wanting updates. For asking. For checking everyday for one. I will never be able to say it enough....Thank you for all your support. Thank you!
Wow! it sure has been a long time. Thank you to everyone who kept asking for updates. I needed time. I have been and still am grieving. Its also been well...BUSY in our household. I gotta tell you, it sure didn't take long for us to fall back into the "old" routine that I so longed for the last ten months. A bit too much actually. Some days I have to give myself a good shake when the little things bother me and upset as I had vowed that those things would no longer bug me. But I suppose that this is as normal as our lives are going to get so I shouldn't complain.
We are doing well. This is a very good time but also sad time for me. Jacob is doing extremely well. He is a boy again, actually, a 6 year old boy. We just celebrated Jacob's birthday and had you asked us 6 months ago if we even thought he would be here to celebrate with us, the answer would be truthfully...no.
But he is going to school. I think he is doing very well as his teacher always tells me so but today I got a call from the school wanting to talk about Jacob's behaviour. Not sure what all this is really about but I am anxious. Whatever it is, i dont really care. This is more than we thought Jacob could ever do so if he needs a bit more time to adjust....so be it!
Times have been also sad. I am having a really hard time with my father's death. I knew it would be hard but wow....some moments I just want to fall apart in somebody's arms...anyone who is willing to catch me. Some days I feel so alone with my grief. Jacob is also, surprisingly, having a hard time with jidou being gone. I don't think he truly got it until we go visit my mom and jidou is not on the couch...he is really gone. He has had a number of very overwhelming breakdowns. Jason and I have helped him through them but I am just not sure what to do at this point. He has so many questions. I don't want to hide anything from him. I think we need to get him some help in perhaps understanding more what has happened.
I miss him so much, i feel empty. It almost makes it worse that Jacob is doing so well, I want him to be here to see it. I want him to be here to see Liam's smile that can light up an entire room. But he is not.
I have lost the little bit of faith I had the last ten months. I so want to believe he is with us. I so want to believe in heaven. I have created this heaven in my head. A place with no sadness. A place with no pain, heartbreaks or tears. I imagine my father having a glass of scotch and a smoke and that nothing can hurt him anymore. I imagine him sitting there, looking down on us but not with sadness that he is not here anymore, but watching us with a subtle smile. That is what I hope heaven is like. I so need to believe it. I went to the cemetery with Liam today. I talked to him outloud. It felt weird at first but I so wanted to believe he could hear me that I had an entire conversation with him. Liam and I spoke to him, sang to him and cried for him. I cried. I cried alot....it felt SO good to just cry with nobody around.
Its hard. But life goes on. Life must go on. I must take care of my family. My children, my husband, my sisters, my nieces and my mother. My poor mother who has lost a person that she shared 47 years with. She is not well. I worry. I am sad for her. These were suppose to be good times.
But I am so happy to be able to tell you all that Jacob is doing fantastic. It really is a miracle. We are still working on his vision. His hearing is damaged now and we must work with what we have. He is walking, running, eating. He is happy. I enjoy every single moment I have with him. I can just sit there and stare at him all day. He amazes me every day...wether it is something he does or says or simply getting out of bed in the morning....he amazes me. I love him. I love him from the bottom of my heart. I love my children and I wouldn't change a thing. Next week we have an appt. with the wish foundation. I think these organizations are amazing! I think we are going to Disney. I want to give Jacob the time of his life. I want him to live like there's no tomorrow. Jacob got a personal invitation last week to a senators hockey practice and a game. He had a blast!!!! Those are the moments we will cherish...forever.
We have another MRI coming up in a few weeks. Oye! i can't believe we have to go through this every three months for the next two years. Every single one of them will be harder than the next but we live for the moment. Carpe Diem! Seize the day.
Thank you so much everyone for wanting updates. For asking. For checking everyday for one. I will never be able to say it enough....Thank you for all your support. Thank you!
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