Saturday August 22nd, 2009
I had vowed when we came back from Montreal that this journal from here on would be happy updates. It is not the case. I write tonight with the biggest sadness my heart has ever felt. I thought that life couldn't get any worse. I thought that a sick child took away every bit of tears and heartbreak that one could ever experience...that is not the case. Losing a parent has brought great devastation in our lives. Life from here on....will never be the same.
Five months ago, we thought we would be grieving for our child. Today we grieve for my father. A man who has worked so hard to take care of his family. A man full of love for his children and grandchildren and for my mother. Today we grieve for a man that will never be forgotten.
I can't believe he is gone. I just can't believe he gone. I can't believe we will never see him again. No more daddy...no more jidou. No more seeing his beautiful face, his beautiful smile. It just wasn't suppose to be like this. He was suppose to see Jacob grow up. He was suppose to see him healthy and happy for as long as that was suppose to be.
I am angry. I am angry that the time spent in Montreal should have been time spent here with my father. I am angry that we wasted that time there which done Jacob no good and took away time we should have spent with my dad. I am just not sure how I will ever get over this.
Jacob is well. He is grieving his jidou's death in his own way, he is sad but also happy. happy like a 5 year old should be. He is a miracle. He has his MRI booked next wednesday the 26th. I ask that you all think and pray for him on that day. I can only pray for good news at this point. I can no longer handle bad news. I can no longer handle such devastation in my life.
Liam and Jason are doing good. Jason is also grieving but Liam, sadly, will never know his jidou. Jacob promised Liam that he will tell him all about his jidou when he is old enough.
Oh daddy, I miss you every minute of every day and i just don't know where I will find it in me to move on without you. I can't believe you are gone. Rest in peace my baba. You are forever in our hearts.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Different Kind of Tears
Wednesday August 12th, 2009
As I sit here tonight by my father's side as he slowly slips away, I can't help but to wonder how did this happen? How did the tables so suddenly turn? Just when we got to bring Jacob home and start enjoying life again, now we must prepare to mourn for my father. It just isn't fair.
I sit here and cry. Its different kind of tears. Its a different kind of sadness for a parent than a child. Its still a heavy crushing feeling but just not the same. I just can't explain it. We started funeral arrangements. Its almost unethical how much it costs to burry your loved one. It should be illegal. Funeral homes should be deprivatized. It is taking advantage of the grieving and its just wrong. I ask that you all keep my father in your thoughts even if most of you have never even met him. Like I said in my previous entry, he is part of Jacob's Journey and forever will be.
On a happier note, Jacob is doing miraculously well. My sister and I were sitting outside one night and she asked me if i thought God had taken the pain away from Jacob and gave it to dad...you can't help but wonder.
We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day for Jacob's homecoming. Its like the skies just opened up just for him. Turn out was about 150 PEOPLE!!!!! I couldn't believe it and thank everyone who came to celebrate life AND food!!! :) :)
It was a beautiful day to celebrate our hero! picture to come soon....
As I sit here tonight by my father's side as he slowly slips away, I can't help but to wonder how did this happen? How did the tables so suddenly turn? Just when we got to bring Jacob home and start enjoying life again, now we must prepare to mourn for my father. It just isn't fair.
I sit here and cry. Its different kind of tears. Its a different kind of sadness for a parent than a child. Its still a heavy crushing feeling but just not the same. I just can't explain it. We started funeral arrangements. Its almost unethical how much it costs to burry your loved one. It should be illegal. Funeral homes should be deprivatized. It is taking advantage of the grieving and its just wrong. I ask that you all keep my father in your thoughts even if most of you have never even met him. Like I said in my previous entry, he is part of Jacob's Journey and forever will be.
On a happier note, Jacob is doing miraculously well. My sister and I were sitting outside one night and she asked me if i thought God had taken the pain away from Jacob and gave it to dad...you can't help but wonder.
We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day for Jacob's homecoming. Its like the skies just opened up just for him. Turn out was about 150 PEOPLE!!!!! I couldn't believe it and thank everyone who came to celebrate life AND food!!! :) :)
It was a beautiful day to celebrate our hero! picture to come soon....
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Prayers for Jidou
Thursday, August 6th 2009.
Hello,
Tonight, i feel the need the write because my heart is very sad. I have an overpowering sadness. Tonight, i don't write about Jacob. I write about my father. My father is very ill and tonight in emerg we heard the word "Terminal" a few times and was asked if we had thought of palliative care. It brought back memories of those questions asked of Jacob which wasn't that long ago but seems like forever ago.
I write to you all about my father because he is Jacob's grandfather and is part of Jacob's Journey. He is a wonderful man. He has been there from the very begining. Visited Jacob EVERY DAY in the hopsital as hard as it was for him to walk in that room and he his 5 year old first grandson sick with cancer.
My father has cancer. Ironically, he also has brain tumors. He was doing relatively well up until a couple of weeks ago. Now, he is barely able to talk, is no longer able to walk and is slowly leaving us. When I told Jacob about "jidou" being very sick and will be going to heaven someday he turned to me and said "but i dont want him to leave". He understand what's going on. A typical 5 year old shouldn't really get what's happening but Jacob, does.
I cried alot today. hadn't cried like this in quite some time because in this house, we are happy. But today, i cry. I cry for the man who has worked so hard my entire life to raise and take care of his 4 daughters and his wife. I cry for the man whom i never thought we'd leave me but will someday say goodbye.
Saturday we have jacob's welcome home party. My father was suppose to be there but now i don't think he will make it to the house. It will be hard to be celebrating life when another is being slowly taken away but we must celebrate Jacob. We must celebrate how strong he was and is to have lived to see another day.
For all of you who believe in prayer, i ask that you say one for my father. I ask that, today, you think of him and say a prayer for him as you all have for Jacob so many times.
I love you Baba.
Hello,
Tonight, i feel the need the write because my heart is very sad. I have an overpowering sadness. Tonight, i don't write about Jacob. I write about my father. My father is very ill and tonight in emerg we heard the word "Terminal" a few times and was asked if we had thought of palliative care. It brought back memories of those questions asked of Jacob which wasn't that long ago but seems like forever ago.
I write to you all about my father because he is Jacob's grandfather and is part of Jacob's Journey. He is a wonderful man. He has been there from the very begining. Visited Jacob EVERY DAY in the hopsital as hard as it was for him to walk in that room and he his 5 year old first grandson sick with cancer.
My father has cancer. Ironically, he also has brain tumors. He was doing relatively well up until a couple of weeks ago. Now, he is barely able to talk, is no longer able to walk and is slowly leaving us. When I told Jacob about "jidou" being very sick and will be going to heaven someday he turned to me and said "but i dont want him to leave". He understand what's going on. A typical 5 year old shouldn't really get what's happening but Jacob, does.
I cried alot today. hadn't cried like this in quite some time because in this house, we are happy. But today, i cry. I cry for the man who has worked so hard my entire life to raise and take care of his 4 daughters and his wife. I cry for the man whom i never thought we'd leave me but will someday say goodbye.
Saturday we have jacob's welcome home party. My father was suppose to be there but now i don't think he will make it to the house. It will be hard to be celebrating life when another is being slowly taken away but we must celebrate Jacob. We must celebrate how strong he was and is to have lived to see another day.
For all of you who believe in prayer, i ask that you say one for my father. I ask that, today, you think of him and say a prayer for him as you all have for Jacob so many times.
I love you Baba.
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