In a Funk

March 11th, 2010

Hi Everyone,
I always have to start by thanking everyone who keeps checking in for updates and all the messages I get asking for updates when its been a while. I was always and still am very overwhelmed with this love for my family. 

I didn't want this update to be a sad so I will start with the good in our lives and oh is there ever lots of that. Jacob is well, saying he is doing great is understating the fact. The fact is he is living the life of a child who was never sick. And funny as I write this sentence, once again its brings me to tears. I haven't updated in a while cause mama has been in a funk. This one's a doozy. Again, its funny cause this is the best time of my life, this is the best time my family has seen in what seems like forever, yet I am always sad but sad inside. My outside is so overjoyed with getting to take Jacob to school everyday but my insides are hurting. I have been grieving a few things this past month. My father for one, I don't stop thinking of him. I miss him now more than I did just a month ago. As time goes on I realize he really is not coming back and it breaks my heart into pieces. 
Second, I have been grieving what used to be. I am mad at myself. I am mad that I even think about it but the reality is that Jacob's drastic physical changes are a constant reminder that life will never be the same. Not being the same is an okay thing cause we are in a good place but I have been sad and grieving who he once looked like. I know, its horrible because I should be grateful that he is alive and I really don't have to tell anyone that I am grateful for that. But his physical changes are there and it has been reminding me that I could lose him one day. Any day really. I think these feelings have been more intense lately because I realize that this child really is a miracle. really!! I have known a handful of families who actually have lost their children. They are really gone, these families have buried their children. Crazy thought, isnt? Some a while ago, some yesterday, some in the very near future. Its crazy, its crazy to think that I could lose Jacob someday. I am sobbing like a big baby right now writing this and I shouldn't be. Its only been in the last couple of months that I have been feeling like this and I just can't seem to shake it off. I am angry. I am angry at the powers above who or what ever it is. I am praying to a God that I just don't believe in anymore. I am confused. 
I am also grieving for frienships that have come and gone and although some are just not worth the tears I just don't understand how someone can walk away from me life at a time where I was watching my son slowly slip away from me just to find out this whole time i was being blamed. Crazy stuff but that's been my state of mind lately.

Now, on a happy, very happy note. We are doing great. Jacob is a normal kid, so normal he came home today with a bloody knee from falling at recess. OMG, you have no idea what kind a feeling that is. lol I love him, I love him so at times I don't know what to do with all this love that I feel for him, for Liam, for my whole family. 
Liam is the joy of this family. You can almost say he is the miracle of this family and how he came into our lives at a time where it was chaos is a blessing. He will be a year soon. can you believe it? Almost a year!!! The one thing that does make me give myself a good shake is just thinking of where we were a year ago and all these feelings(even if its for a brief moment) just disappear!! Just like that, when I think about the fact that it could have been me "sitting in a funeral home waiting for the director" makes all these feelings I described above disappear. :)

Jacob's last MRI scheduled in February was cancelled as he and the entire family was very sick. It has been rescheduled for March 25th. I am scared. Every single one of them scare me. This one especially. Don't know why, it just does. I will make sure to send you all an update after we get those results.

I also wanted to say, that for every friend I have lost throughout this journey, you all have MORE than made up for. I have met and made some pretty incredible friends. Friends that make me laugh every day. That wipe my tears when they fall and pick me up when I am down on my knees. Thank you to all those friends, to my family, to every member of Jacob's Journey. Without you, I would not be as strong as I have been able to be. 

Thank you. oxo
Liliane

RIP Ali, Montana, Maddy and Layla Grace