Tuesday, September 22, 2010
Last night, I cried. And cried. And cried. And cried some more…til I literally fell asleep. I am full of sadness these days. I can’t stop thinking of my daddy. My beautiful loving daddy who left us more than a year ago now.
I remember that night oh so clearly. How could I ever forget it. At times it haunts me and I wish I had never….and other days I am grateful and honored that I was there to see him literally take his last breath. I remember it so clearly. I have been grieving ever since. Or have I? I am starting to come to the realization that I don’t think I have grieve like I should have. I didn’t have a chance to. Between caring for Jacob and adjusting to a life at home after such an ugly experience and adjusting to having a beautiful addition to our family, how could I?
It has been 4 weeks since I have returned to work and I think that is what triggered all of this. It all has surfaced now, who I was, who i’ve become, what I have had a chance to deal with and what I haven’t . My father’s death for one. Now that I am back to work, I realized something VERY important. That I am no longer who I was when I was part of that team two years ago. I am no longer the employee/mother who goes into the office, does her work, worry about her kids falling or getting a cold, now I am the employee/mother who every time looks up at her wall at a beautiful picture of Jacob, is reminded of why she was away for so long in the first place. I am reminded every single minute of the day what has happened since that dreadful day on November 2, 2010. I am reminded that I had a baby, a beautiful son that will never get to know his gidou like we did, which in return reminds that I lost my father…which is why I cried, and cried and cried some more last night.
Daddy, I miss you. We all miss you. I wish I could see you beautiful smile just one more time…but even then, it would never be enough.
I love you and dedicate this post to you baba, the greatest man, I have ever known.
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