It hit me all at once

Friday June 12th, 2009

I write to you all tonight as my son sits on the floor in his room playing with his best friend Pat. I just finished a chuckle out loud with Jason after one of Jacob's funny smart comments he always makes. My baby is back. Maybe not a 100% but his sense of humour, his laughter and his smarts are back. 


I am very overwhelmed tonight. Overwhelmed with happiness from being home, overwhelmed with exhaustion and overwhelmed with how much organizing there is to do here. I was sitting on my deck earlier, what a beautiful evening it was and I just started to cry. I felt very nolstagic. Must be the weather but all of a sudden I got a flashback of going for a drive to Dairy Queen with Jacob and Jason and realized i can't do that anymore. I am SOOOOOO happy Jacob is home, you have no idea but it hit me at that moment that i wish things werent how they are. It hit me that my son has cancer, it hit me that he is sick, it hit me that we can't have bbq's anymore, it hit me that i just went through an entire pregnancy and that i had a baby as I here Liam crying from is swing. It all just hit me tonight. After having Liam i knew i couldn't take a break. I knew if I stopped, even for one moment I would crash...so i kept going. it almost happened tonight but as I here Jacob's laughter in the background with Pat being silly and crawling on the floor i take a deep breath and remind myself.....One Day at a Time. 

Last night, Jacob and I had a little emergency visit at CHEO. No big deal but as we were changing his shirt we noticed his dressing for his central line was off and exposed. It was a bit scary but we quickly headed to 4N at CHEO and they welcomed us with open arms and took care of him very quickly. Thank you Kim, Jill, Shamila and Pat. Upon returning home Jacob thanked us as we tucked him into his bed. He said "mama, dada, thank you for listening to me and bringing me home". I couldn't hold back the tears. I turned around and thanked Jason for letting us bring him home. 

Jacob is doing great. So are we. we are tired but i think Jason pauses at times just like me and just can't believe we are home. 

we are home!