He is like a Broken Toy

Tuesday June 2nd, 2009

Today is our 7 month anniversary and no where near where we thought we would be yet have come so far.
Jacob is doing well. Getting through the days as best as possible. He isn't my Jacob these days. he's changed. That spark that he still had in his eyes is no longer there. I know he is done with all of this. i know because he told me so. I want to listen to him, I want to take him home, I want to listen to what he is telling me but no one else is listening. He is telling us he is done. He says with words but even more he says it with his body language, the way he looks at us, the way he moves, the way he just stares at the tv all day but i don't think he is actually watching it. 

Today, Jacob had his hearing test and there is significant hearing loss since the last chemo treatment. For those who don't know, Jacob is already deaf from one ear, it is a permanent deafness that cannot be corrected with a hearing aid so he only has one good ear "l'oreille precieuse" they call it at Ste-Justine. I knew something was up from the last week we have had to repeat ourselves ALOT for him to answer back. I was hoping it was selective hearing but unfortunetly my gut was right. 

There are no words to describe how I am feeling tonight. the tears that fall down my cheeks tonight are different kind of tears. They are tears of surrender. I want to surrender and just take him home.

Tonight, I feel as a mother I have let Jacob down. I feel like i should have protected him from harm instead have trusted his life in all these doctors hands and I have let them break him. He is like a broken toy and I have let him down when i should have been proctecting him. 

I hope he forgives me someday.

He is doing well these days I thought I would let you all know. 

Jason and I are now back to square one and not sure if we go on. We are torn. The doctor i think saw our desperation today and told us they would review all his tests including the most important one, the MRI, and she said together we will decide if we go on or not together. Perhaps some damage resulting from the CHEMO may just not be worth it. All I want at this point is to take my child home and let him be a child and give him the best quality of life for as long as that will be. I don't know what Jason wants anymore but I know what I want. 

I want my Jacob back.