Father's Day

Sunday June 21st, 2009

well we are back home and back to normal. we had a great father's day. we went to my parents and it was the first time we ALL had been together again in 7 and a half months. See, my family and I(composed of my parents, 4 sisters, 2 brother in laws, a fiance with two children and 5 grandchildren) still get together for EVERY single holiday, birthday, special occasions and our family had not been complete in the last 7 months until today. We had a beautiful day. I had a moment as i sat there and looked at everyone and realized this could be the last father's day with my father, as he is very ill at this time. I also realized this could be the last father's day with my son. Its things I think of. I don't want to, and I don't think about it all the time but at times, reality is, it may just be the last of everything. 

As we were being discharged on saturday evening from CHEO, a mother of a boy who shall remain nameless came to our room to say goodbye. We had seen each other ALOT the last 6 months in 4N but only started talking to each other about two weeks before our departure to Montreal. SHe walked in and walked out just as fast as tears started pouring down. She couldn't control it anymore. I joined her. They had received some bad news about their beautiful beautiful boy and as we have also realized, there is just nothing else that can be done for our children. I followed her to the stairwell and we both said nothing. just cried. why? because we both knew that we may lose our babies someday and there's just nothing else we can do except love them with all our being. She asked me how we were able to make the decision of bringing Jacob home. I told her we just knew. I told her, her heart will know when its time to say enough and take her baby home and love him like there's no tomorrow. it was a moment that i could not and will probably never share with another mother who at that very moment could honestly say she knew exactly how I felt. She said she had so many questions for God. She said she wished she could sit one on one with God and ask him why. I myself, have stopped asking why. I am very sad. I am very angry. I dont understand any of this and will NEVER accept what has happened but i've stopped asking why. 

This week, we have a hearing test, clinic visits, speech and eating therapy. It will be busy but once again we will start our day as a family. A family that will cherish forever. 

Jason, Happy father's day. I hope you liked Jacob's gift. I am honored to be the mother of your children. You are the best dada ever. The love that you have for Jacob and Liam is beyond anything I could ever ask for in a husband and the father of my beautiful children.

Jason, mon mari, mon amour....je t'aime.