It's a New Life

Wednesday, July 1st 2009

Happy Canada Day Everyone, 
Today was a sad day for us. A year ago today, Jacob was riding a bike in my parent's driveway. We were having our tradionnal Canada Day BBQ. This year, my father can barely stand up without any help. He is frail and weak and it was also three years ago on this day that he started feeling ill. Jacob is still not able to eat so having a BBQ is out of the plans and it just wasn't the same. 

its funny i got an email from an old friend who said i hope you are adjusting to your new life at home. I had never really thought of it that way but Chloe you are right. it is a new life. As much as i so badly wanted to come home and be a "normal" family again like we used to be i've realized its not going to happen. It is a new life we are beginning. Our past one does no longer exist. Things will never be the same. ever. Jacob has changed, he has become a new person and so have we. We are adjusting to our new life. A life of doctors, medications, mri's, appts, worrying and enjoying every moment we have together. so my dream of things being the way they were will never happen but i have no choice but to embrace this life that has now been given to us. 

Jacob is doing well. He is still having a hard time with nausea and vomitting and well I wonder sometimes if this is the life that is ahead for him, a life of unexplained vomiting. is this the life he will have to adjust to or will it some day miraculously go away? 

He is doing well, he is back to singing in the car when we drive....bopping his head to the music. He is more playful at times then he ever was. We are close, i feel it, we are closer to getting him better. We are extremely busy with appts. almost every day but that's ok. we keep saying its so nice to come home at the end of the day so will deal with it. Jacob had another hearing test. He definetely has permanent hearing loss but we are hoping it is manageable. I was really upset on monday when i realized that the last cycle in Montreal is what did it. For a moment i was angry at myself, at Jason for making us go to Montreal and damaging this child that had a chance. I was mad at opthamology for letting his eye go bad like they did. I was, once again, mad at the world. But it didn't last very long. I sucked it up as I always do and moved on. I am seriously still thinking of pursuing the eye clinic at CHEO. I am seriously considering filing an official complaint and suing. I feel this need to punish the people who damaged my child. I feel I owe it to Jacob. I owe him at least to punish the ones who should have taken better care of him but instead won't OWN UP to their mistake. Had they from the start owned up to their neglect. I wouldn't be so angry. 

Liam is wonderful. He is a beautiful growing boy. no really, when i say growing...i mean growing...i think he is almost 15 pounds!!! lol I can't believe how chubby he is and I LOVE IT!!!! He is so playful and laughing all the time, it brings so much joy and laughter in this house. 

Jason's mom is visiting from Newfoundland, Jason is happy to have his mommy here. I took her to play bingo last night! lol Tonight she is out with Jason at the Casino. Its nice for Jason and I to be able to go out, i hope someday we can go out together...i wonder sometimes if we ever will again... but really i don't care if we never leave this house again. I wanted the chance to be home again with my family and I am...what more can I ask for? 

Hope all of you are well and again thank you all for your support.