Just Like Old Times

Saturday, March 14th, 2009.

Hi Everyone, its been a busy couple of days. Jacob has been doing fairly well i am happy to say. Still cruising through his radiation treatments like the real super hero that he is. He is still having the same issues with the vomiting and tummy pains but morphine seems to help ease some of the pains. As for the vomiting there is nothing to be done for now except hold his hand and wipe his tears when he cries and says he can't take it anymore. His legs are still an issue, no sign of him walking any better. He is scheduled for an MRI on monday to eliminate any problems with his spine. God I hope there is nothing wrong with his spine. The doctors are divided. Its funny cause the oncologists who actually gave him the chemo drug don't think its what caused this sudden symptom and on the other side, the team of doctors who are following Jacob think it is. very interesting...i hope nothing comes out of this MRI. i hope its a temporary issue that will be solved with time. If radiation is what may be causing this then i am stopping the spinal radiation immediately. We will hopefully find out more this week. 

So today we went home again. It was wonderful. Beautiful day, Jacob's friend came over today and it was like old times. Although Jacob couldn't get up and run around like he used to, they played with every single toy he had, they laughed, they fought...just like old times.

We did have an incident just before coming back to the hospital. It was about food. Jacob has serious issues with this situation and it so overwhelming I can't even begin to explain to you what its like to have your child not be able to eat or drink. He was very sad for the rest of the time and when he looks at me with that look of pure sadness, I can't even control my tears anymore, so i just sit there beside him and hold him and cry with him. that's all we can do now. he needs to see that we know he is finding this very hard. I think Jacob is going to have to talk to to a psychologist about this. It is getting too overwhelming for Jason and I to try and comfort him. i just don't know what to do about it anymore or how to handle it. Its just too hard. If there is anything I can pray for tonight, anything is that no matter the outcome of this cancer that my Jacob will someday be able to have a glass of water and maybe taste food again...that's all I ask, we can deal with any other handicap he may have in the future but please God don't take this away from my baby. Please. 

Jacob said to me and his daddy the other day:
mommy, daddy, this is what i want when i can eat again:
tacos.
st-hubert. 
subway.
pizza pizza.
mcdonalds.

now please tell me, how does your heart not stop beating from sadness....mine does evertime.