Tonight, I am angry

Saturday, March 7th 2009.

Thanks everyone for asking about Jacob. I didn't give an update yesterday because it turned out to be a rough day for us. Jacob had his surgery but it turned out to be a little bigger than we it had been explained to us. Jacob is recovering nicely today from what should have been a simple procedure.

Jacob had another meltdown yesterday. Our issue now is food and water. I am not sure how much more of this i can take. I can handle the sickness, i can handle the cancer but my child not being able to physically eat has taken over our lives. I don't think anyone can completely comprehend the concept of this unless you have been through it. Yesterday, i was one of those parent i've seen before. I walked out of his room into the hallway, fell on my knees and started crying. One of the nurses came to me kneeled down with me and let me cry. I kept saying i just can't do this anymore. I must have said it to her about a hundred times. I don't know how much more of this i can handle before completely losing my sanity. 

We used to be able to get through these episodes and for some reason i thought with time it would get easier but he seems to obssess more about it every day. He says to me the other day "mommy can i just chew on something and spit it out" i asked him like what, he says "like chicken or something". I turned around and my legs couldn't walk away fast enough from him before tears flooded the 4th floor. You should see his face when he sees a commercial on tv about food or even worse when he sses someone eat in front of him. We have done our best to shelter him from that but sometimes people bring their food in the playroom and his face looking at them just breaks your heart. 

I am on my last leg here. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I write this journal tonight with the most sadness my heart has ever felt since all this started. I am drained from sadness, from heartache and from empathy trying to share my son's feeling about his condition. Of all things to happen why did this have to happen? how can the one thing that should be natural to do like drink and eat been taken away from him?????????????? I am sorry for all whom I offend this evening but i have no faith in much anymore. That famous line that we have been bombarded with over and over again "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"...well i've got news for God tonight. This is more than Jacob, myself or Jason could ever handle!!!!!! 

Tonight, I am angry.