Someone Wake Me Up

Tuesday, march 10th, 2009. 

My last update was written with great sadness. I am still filled with sadness and burnt out even more now than I was a couple of days ago. I am happy to say that Jacob is not doing too bad. He still has the same unexplained tummy pains and the vomiting but overall seems to be doing ok. He is not able to stand on his legs at this time for some reason. This is a new issue. A few weeks ago, his legs were certainly not an issue, he was playing bowling in the hallway with his physio therapist, today he can barely stand let alone walk. We found out today that he will be fitted for braces, which are close to two thousand dollars we were told, for both legs to try and strenghten his legs so he is able to walk normally again. Funny, there's something else to add to his list of problems. A child who just 4 months ago was a typical healthy boy who had more energy than all of put together now can barely walk, cant swallow, deaf from one ear, blind from one eye, left facial paralysis, left vocal paralysis and all of that not knowing if its permanent or temporary. And now we have to add leg muscle issues. After two months of his last chemo treatment we find out that one of the drugs he received can cause this problem. NO WHERE was it every indicated on the side effects, not even the rare side effects, today two doctors seemed surprised that it wasn't listed so asked to verify the list that I had. it wasn't there and they were surprised. So again, Jacob is suffering from a side effect that rarely happens. Now does everyone believe me when I say this child has not had a break? Not one! This boy has been through 9 surgeries now and all of them except for one are results from "possible" risks and complications that could happen, with Jacob, it has LITERALLY ALL happened. It is sad and frustrating. 

This is not about Jason and I feeling sorry for ourselves, this is about letting this child get a break and let him start healing. I am so angry. I want to be angry. let me be angry. I want God to know I am pissed off. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Let this child be already. 

I am very well aware that this was going to be a long road ahead for us but i need for this boy to get some positive healing his way. Anything! before he loses the courage to keep fighting. He keeps saying he is so tired of being sick. he keeps asking us why he is sick. I am running out of answers because i just don't know why he is still this sick and not getting better. 

i am tired. so tired. i don't want my baby to be sick anymore. please let me wake up from this nightmare. please someone wake me up.