"Poor me, right Mama?"

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Not much to report. Jacob is doing ok. As before we have good moments in a day which we will take anytime. Daddy is also doing ok. I think exhaustion may have kicked in after him and Jacob finished their routine of radiation every day. He is coping as best he can. We were hoping to head home before Montreal for a bit but it doesn't seem to be reality anymore. 

Mama isn't doing too well these days. i think baby is near. i am tired, actually i am beyond tired. My body has hit a new level of exhaustion and I am not sure how i am still able to get up in the mornings. The overnights at the hospital are more than I can handle but don't say anything because i guess its just something I have to do. We are slowly preparing for our new chapter in Montreal and i am so scared. I am scared of what the future will bring after those treatments are done. I really don't know how we will manage there with a new baby. i just don't know how we will do it. I am scared for my Jacob. I just don't know how much his little body can handle anymore. Everytime he is sick now, everytime he vomits he says "its not fair" and he is right. Its just not fair. The other night as i held him as he was throwing up he looked up to me and said "poor me, right mama, poor me?" he was looking for confirmation that it was ok for him to feel the way he was feeling. What else could I say except yes, poor you baby. We are now trying to prevent a pneumonia since he has a bit of built up in his left lung. 

Easter weekend just passed. Holidays are no longer holidays for us but we had a good weekend. He did very well except for monday morning he woke sicker than he had been in quite some time. We managed to steer away from the easter eggs and chocolate that represents easter. We thank all who came to visit for not bringing chocolate and candies. We appreciate it. My beautiful nieces prepared a treasure hunt for him at the hospital with everything BUT chocolates. It was nice. He very much enjoyed that. 

This week we have a swallowing test scheduled on friday. We have been seeing much improvment in his voice. And he has been suffering from a brutal sore throat. Which can mean two things. His vocal cord is starting to heal and has movement and he is getting feeling back in his throat. We are SO excited about it but the true test will be friday. THey will once again test his swallowing to see if he is starting to swallow. I am on the edge. I want NOTHING more than for them to tell us that he has started swallowing again or will be soon. Oh how I long for that day. Wish us luck.

Jason and I are still on a high from the overwhelming love and support we have received since this journey began for Jacob. I never thought possible but I truly believe now how I started this journey....With Love Alone, We Will Bring Him Back To Health.

I will keep you posted on the upcoming test. For all those who have faith, I ask that you pray for good results. We need some light in this tunnel we have been walking in for almost 6 months now.