"Don't Cry, Mommy."

Monday, February 16th, 2009

Last night was a sad and horrible night for my little guy. One of the worse nights I have seen. Today I am overwhelmed with fatigue and sadness and frustration. I am angry at the world today. I am angry that all this is happening. I so badly want to take it away from Jacob. I want his little body to not be sick anymore, to not throw up anymore, to simply not have cancer. 

For those who don't know, Jacob is no long able to swallow at this time due to the nerve damage he sustained during the very long brain surgery he had. He has not tasted food in over three months. He is no longer able to drink or eat and although we are hopeful it comes back some day, until then it may be months, maybe years? Yesterday, Jacob said to me, "mommy, my brain won't stop letting me think of food". And a tear came down his beautiful cheek. If my heart could have literally exploded in a million pieces, you all would have heard the bang and pieces would have been falling from the sky from here to the ends of the world. 

We know he thinks of food all the time, but when he talks about it and is fully aware that he can't have his mcdonalds or simply a glass of water after he has been vomitting for hours, it just breaks your heart and sucks the life right out of you. Although i have to eat for survival, there is not one day in the last three months that i actually enjoyed a meal.

After that, he for some unknown reason was sick all night. I just can't do this anymore. Emotions were so overwhelming last night that when i was crying in the nurses arms, Jacob actually turned around to me and said..."its ok mommy, don't cry. its going to be ok". My 5 year old who is fighting for his life turns to me and comforted me instead of it being the other way around. I told him i was just sad of seeing him sick and i didn't want him to be sick anymore...he says "me either, i can't take this anymore". those were his last words to me before he fell asleep. 

Last night was rough. Today, i don't know where we both found the energy to wake up, but we both did and he is up today fighting for another day.

i love you Jacob.