Tuesday, February 24rd, 2009
Tonight I feel burnt out. Today for some reason I felt more helpless than I ever have since the day Jacob got sick. We had a couple of goodnight and not so bad days. Daddy is back tonight and at the hospital tonight and I was just told that Jacob was vomitting again. I just don't get why he is not getting better. Today, i am scared. i am scared for the future, I am scared for what tomorrow will bring.
Today i was frustrated with ophtamology. Our child may be going blind and all because of doctors lack of competence. I have started procedures to file an official complaint. I am done waiting around. i am done being ignored. i am doing something before its too late and my son goes blind from one eye. I am angry today. i am sad. i just want to scream so loud that it echos throughout the world.
Jacob started radiation therapy today, it didn't go as planned because he got scared. i don't blame him. he asked me if i was mad at him when we got back to room. How could I be???? How could I be mad at the bravest 5 year old I have ever seen that has gone through three and a half months in a hospital bed without seeing his home? How could I be mad at a child who has the courage to face the world every day, day after day, sick and confused and not being able to eat or drink or know if he ever will again? I can't. Tomorrow is a new day and we will once again face it as a family. If he can't do it, this will mean he will have to be put to sleep every day for 30 treatments which means no closer to going home. I wish he could understand that but he is braver than i could ever be so all we can do is praise him for the efforts he's made.
Daddy, I hope you and peanut have a goodnight. you both will be the last people I think of when i close my eyes and the first when i open them. there are absolutely no words to describe the intensity of my love for you both. Without the two of you, I am nothing.
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