Out of Tears

Thursday, February 26h, 2009

Today Jacob is very sick. Still vomitting. we have been up since 4am. I think that its mostly brought on by the general anasthetic he is getting for his radiation therapy. We are hoping that he will realize that and decide to do the radiation without sedation but it may take some time to convince him of that. 

He has literally been vomitting ALL day and the nurse has exhausted everything they possibly can give him for nausea and vomitting.

He had a sleep study done last night and although we knew his sleeping patterns were not good, it was worse then we thought. The respirologist came in and the words out of their mouths were "we have a problem"...now you know thats not good! Apparentely there are bigger issues than we thought. We are hoping its only temporary and that it wil eventually fix itself but in the meantime we now know that Jacob doesn't breath much during his sleep. Especially when he dreams we were told. So just having oxygen at night was just masking the real problem. So now we add another complication to the many already existing ones. we are no closer to going home, if anything futher away now. 

I don't understand what I am suppose to have faith in anymore? who am I suppose to be praying to because no one is listening. Why is this happening? Why is it that everything is an issue? Why can't this child have one thing go well for him? He doesnt deserve this. He doesn't deserve this pain and suffering and its just not fair. I just want our old life back. I want the old routine of taking Jacob to school, going to work, coming home, being able to feed my child, give him a bath and start all over in the morning. Thats all I want. I don't want the big house, the fancy cars, lots of money, I just want my our simple life back. 

I can tell in his eyes he is tired of being sick. i see it more and more every day and it scares me. I can see the despair in his eyes after he has been vomitting for hours and just doesnt understand why he is so sick or when he looks at me with a look that says "mommy, why are you letting this happen, why can't you make it go away?" He keeps asking why is he so sick, he told me today he wishes he could be like he was before coming to CHEO. You wonder sometimes if it was even worth putting him through all of this when before he was a perfectly health happy boy.

will things ever get better? i cried so much today. i am out of tears tonight.