Mother's Day

Sunday, May 10th, 2009.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, thank you for the wishes. 

Well, this is it. I sit here on sunday night at 10:24pm in "the room". We are officially in isolation as of 8:04pm when we moved in. I sit here as Jacob sleeps peacefully fully gowned and masked. This is our days and nights starting tonight for the rest of our stay here in Montreal. 

We start treament first thing tomorrow. There's no looking back now. I had a rush of emotions after our family and friends left today. It felt real all of a sudden because most of the people who adore Jacob with all their hearts will not see him for a while. I also realised that this was it. Although the beginning of this treatment it is the end of treatments for us. It means, no more after this, wether the tumor is completely gone OR NOT this is it. Its relief and fear all mixed into one big giant ball. The feeling is so overwhelming at times i feel like i am being crushed by it. 

This morning I woke up not knowing how and where I was going to find that extra boost i needed to get through this. But its all your emails and messages that keep me going. Today I received a very inspiring email from an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in more than 15 years. She is a mother of three now and her words were so overpowering that it made me realize that I can't give up now. I can't turn away from my Jacob now so I will hold on to him and those words from her for dear life and give it all i've got. i didn't think i had anything left in me to give but as I sit here and think of my beautiful two boys and a wonderful loving husband and father, how can we stop now? 

Liam is doing great. He is a god sent. He is calm and beautiful and everything we need him to be right now. Jason is also doing ok. I see the fear in his eyes at times, although he would never admit, I see the sadness but he is fighter and is not planning on giving up anytime soon. He has been staying at the apartment so far with Liam and he is enjoying his time with his baby boy. 

I will start decorating Jacob's room tomorrow in hopes that it makes him feel a little more at ease. He misses CHEO, he misses his friends at CHEO. He asked to send a message to one of them yesterday, so I did. I dictated the message....gave Jacob a kiss, walked out of the room and CRIED!! Its just not the same. 

Thank you all for your love and support....we wouldn't get through the days without it all.