Trying to Believe

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Day two and last day of chemo. Jacob was well today but this evening, he is very sick with a fever. Extremely nauseous and vomiting. He was sad and frustrated and all he ever says when he throws up is "mama, its just not fair" and we always reply with "no its not". As I sit here tonight with Jacob in isolation, gowned and mask soaked from my tears I realized how run down I am. I am so relieved that this is the end of it all...but I can't see the finish line. I just can't see it. This is only day two and I just don't know where I will find that last bit of energy to get through this. I just want him home. I want my baby home. We have been at this for 6 months but all of a sudden I can't see end in sight. I told Jacob tonight that I would do everything I could to make sure he is as comfortable as can be. He made me pinky swear and said "mama, pinky swear me you won't let me stay feeling this way", i told him i promised. He is sleeping now. They gave him a little bit of a stronger drug and he is sleeping comfortably now because "I promised". He also made me promise that next summer we will go back to Marineland. He was reminiscing about our trip last summer and so desperately wants to go back. I not only promised him we would, but i told him by this time next year, he will be the boy he so wants to be again. He will have hair, he will be eating again, he won't be vomiting anymore and more importantly he will be walking and running. Again he made me pinky swear. This one made me a bit nervous because do I really believe that? today, its hard to see that far because it scares me to even think of the next hour, but tomorrow, i will try harder to believe. 

Liam and Daddy are doing good. Daddy is getting through the days as I am. i will have to feed on daddy's energy for a while cause i am drained although some days i feel like daddy needs to feed on mine. My wish, is for one day again, have daddy walk through the doors of OUR HOME and say "hi family i'm home" as he always used to say when he came home from work. That is so desperately what I want again.

The next couple of days we anticipate him being sick. We are expecting the worst but hoping for the best.