Below Rock Bottom

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

Jacob is recovering in ICU. A couple of days ago it started with us finding out why he was getting fevers. It ended up being an intestinal infection that doctors were quite concerned about. then, with his heart rate hitting 210 they ordered an ultra sound and discovered a blood cloth in the linning of his heart. I thought that was stressing enough. I thought i had hit rock bottom....until yesterday. 

He seemed to be doing fairly well. I was so excited to let you all know that he was coping well. But at 3pm yesterday, he got a nose bleed and well....it never stopped. they realize it was a problem after the first hour, by the 4th hour a room full of people were trying to control it. That's when i hit below rock bottom. They transfused him with platelets, after platelets after platelets with no end in sight. You know in the movies when someone is standing in the middle of a room and everything around them is going in slow motion and you can't hear a sound? well that was me. Then, it all came out. the tears. the sadness, the frustration, THE ANGER. I was full of rage, against everything and everyone. Jason got the worst of it. I think his chest is bruised. I didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't. For one moment. Just ONE moment i felt my child slipping away from us. Its the scariest feeling in the world. I actually felt like i was going to throw up. 

Then something came over me, I had to suck it up, I didn't have a choice. The nurse needed me to climb in the bed with Jacob and hold him. I couldn't let him see me that way. Luckily my sisters were there cause i just don't know what we would have done. 

Jacob got transfered to ICU for respiratory distress. He fought a nose bleed for more than 4 hours and his little body just got tired. 

He is recovering in ICU and is stable now. He was talkative this morning but his nose is still plugged with pressure gauzes and is needing oxygen but doing ok. 

He is a fighter! if we even had doubts before, we certainly don't anymore. So many times i've said this but I am done. I never wanted to here in the first place, I knew his body couldn't take it. We keep saying he is strong and he is a fighter but tell me, how long do we test his strenght? how long to let him fight before we say this is going to kill him and not make him better???? Yesterday, for the FIRST TIME in 6 months, Jacob said to me ''mama i don't want to do this anymore''.

So were done....for now.

Today there are signs of white cells so the transplant is doing its job. We will help him recover, take him home and love him like there's no tomorrow. 

After all...this journey did start out with ''With Love Alone We Will Bring You Back To Health''

I love you Jacob.