I don't know how to comfort him anymore

Monday, May 18th 2009

Hi there. well we have completed our first week of treatment. I am writing to you all from the apartment tonight. I am here with Liam. We FINALLY got the internet. We have had a few issues with the apartment. It is not what we had expected but it will do. It doesn't matter, its not home. I don't like being here.I don't like being anywhere anymore to be honest. I suppose I shouldn't tell you all that all I do when I come to the apartment is sit on the couch and cry. alot. I think Jason sheds a few tears in this apartment too. But i figure this is part of our journey good or bad. 

I was with Jacob last night and he had a really rough night. He has a few minutes in the day where he feels nothing but most of the time this week he has been sick. He just lies there, points to his stomach and gives us this look of despair almost begging us to make it all go away. We are assuming that it is the effects of the chemo. Some days I truly question where Jacob gets his energy to open his eyes in the morning. I pray to God everynight that he will keep finding that energy to wake up. I have to be honest, some days i am so afraid he wants to or will give up. I keep having this vision. This vision of months from now after all this is said and done and after real though rehab that this time next year my jacob will be a healthy beautiful boy again. 
I so desperatly want to believe it, I know Jason believes it. It seems so far away. Tomorrow seems so far away. 

Jacob's counts are starting to go down, in a few days he will be neutropenic and will be at high risk of pneumonia amongs other things. He already has started developing mucositis. Vomiting and nausea are severe yet i don't know if you all noticed his smile in every picture....SOMEHOW he manages to smile for every picture we take. What you all don't know is in between pictures, he has either just been sick or would be after the picture....now tell me that doesn't deserve some respect. I don't know where he finds it in him but I adore him for that. I have nothing but respect and love and damn it we will fight with him till the very end. 

Jacob is exhausted and so are we. I don't know how to comfort him anymore. I dont know what to say to him anymore or what to do to comfort his aching body and soul. Help me help him. Please. i am running out of ideas. 

I have to go, Liam is crying. at least i know how to comfort him.